Waffling
2004-08-12, 10:27 a.m.

It's raining in Tennessee, which means the Idiot Force is out in full. If you have a pickup or Pontiac Sunbird, you must drive obscure winding mountain roads as quickly as possible before your beer runs out to assure yourself of a prime photo on tomorrow's front page. Bonus points if you're uninsured or your license is suspended. Mega-bonus if you take out someone's fence/unkempt hedge/half a cornfield in the process.

The morning got off to a rollicking start with Son's William-Shatner-scenery-chewing performance of "Mom Made The Wrong Breakfast Again". Today's offense was serving His Highness a ham-egg-n-cheese Hot Pocket. After much spitting and spluttering and wailing and gnashing of teeth, he made do with a couple of mini-donuts. His current repertoire consists of waffles, waffles, and did I mention, waffles. If you've noticed Kellogg stock rising lately, it's due totally to Eggo consumption.

Dear Hubby was reading his intro that I posted yesterday and was dismayed to find the word "gullible". Not long after that, he clicked on a weblink on a Google search called "You Are An Idiot" which promptly tried to insert a virus on our computer. Way to go, Sherlock. And thank you, Symantec, for saving our virtual arse once again.

On tv this morning a lady used the phrase "own your problem" before you can deal with it, blahdeblahdeblah. Own a problem? Last time I checked, few people rent them. Own far too many already, myself. Should anyone have a serious depletion in their Stockroom O'Problems, the ones I own are for sale. Email me for current inventory and price list.

THE COOLEST item arrived in yesterday's mail. A sheet of Domino's Pizza coupons WITH A MAGNET ATTACHED. Tossed that puppy on the fridge. Guess what kids, we can eat this week! Woo-HOO! Why cook when restaurants abound? "And on the eighth day, God created takeout..."

We eat well. Really. Especially when Dear Hubby cooks. His recipies rock, simple stuff like marinades for grilled fish (that he caught) or Jamaican-inspired chicken. His cooking really took off once we eliminated his arch-nemesis, burner covers. I liked the clean, smooth look of covered stove burners. They lost their luster when they became the flaming aluminum backdrop to a hubby lost in thought as he simultaneously chopped veggies/pondered big engineery things. He annihilated 3 sets of burner covers before I admitted defeat.

Someone zip me an email if Bush and Kerry are going to be on Saturday Night Live. When Gore and Bush parodied themselves, it was too freakin' funny and shot ol' Al up a few hundred points on my Respect O'Meter. He didn't get my vote, but I no longer view him as having the personality of a mud brick. The ability to poke fun at yourself coveys confidence and strength, flexibility and perseverance, which are kinda must-haves if you wanna be the Prez. So far I've heard Kerry crack one joke, or what he considered to be one, which was met with stunned silence from the audience. (Perhaps there have been moments I missed.) Bush, however, has demonstrated the ability to have a darn good time, foibles included, and invite everyone to the party before trotting off to kick some more ass. No, don't avalanche me with political quibblings and candidate-swaying observances. I know for whom I shall vote. But we're voting for humans, who will make mondo-scale earth-moving decisions in spite of their own flaws, and it's only right that they show us how human they are. No sense of humor? Then begone.

My mother cannot understand why I refuse to go see "The Notebook". Ooookay, lessee, young people in love grow up and turn into old people in love. I think I've got it. Sounds scintillating. NOT. I went to www.ruindedendings.com which encapsulated the thing in two sentences, while saving me $100 (approximate price of ticket, large drink, medium popcorn). My movie guidelines are simple. It must contain, to be of any value, any item or combination thereof from the following list:

Monsters/creatures Bonus: vampires

Aliens/spaceships/planetary locales

Weaponry (big time)

Wizards/magic

Monty Python/Mel Brooks

Something you might see on BBC America

Time or interplanetary travel

Superheroes

I can even sit through a period piece if Alan Rickman's in it.

Doesn't meet the above guidelines? Then it's got all the chances of me shelling out to see it, as a red-shirted ensign in a Star Trek episode has of survival past the first scene. ***************

I'm gonna buy my next house from VillainSupply.com. Only if they throw in a carpet allowance and some free lasers. They can keep the burner covers, thanks.

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