Love And Marriage
2004-09-21, 10:28 a.m.

From bonnylisbon, watch for this girl on the best seller lists, I swear she�ll be there one day:

So, now, tell me about being married. Was the first year a nightmare? Do you just end up getting used to each other? Do you still feel all the silly great things that go along with being "in love?" You know, the butterflies, thinking about him when he's away, all that good stuff? What made you fall in love with him? How long have you known him? You are terribly interesting..

*stuffing down engorged ego after being called �terribly interesting�*

Hoo boy. Tall order, here. How does one quantify and qualify love and marriage?

Perhaps I should lay a little groundwork first, because inevitably the root of all optimism is faith. My own faith is in Christ. No I�m not a shove-a-tract-in-your-face kind of person, one that goes knocking on doors as part of the crusade. Mine is quiet and personal, but it�s most definitely there. I listen and read and investigate and form my own conclusions, not swallowing everything that others put forth. I draw much of my strength from it. Others may have faith in Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, Gaia, any number of Higher Powers, even faith in themselves. Whatever your belief, faith is what grounds you and supports your ability to love yourself. You have to love yourself first before you can share it with someone else.

Hubby and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for 14 of them. We married less than a month after I graduated from college. It hasn�t always been a fairy tale, but on the whole it�s been great. What makes it last? We fell in love, yes, but, more importantly, we fell into LIKE.

I had the butterflies big time when we met. I had them big time when we were dating. I had all the �silly great things� in spades, and still get them on occasion. It�s a purely chemical high, that warm giddy flood that brings the happy. He still has that effect on me. I could go on and on about everything about him that makes my engine run. More than that, though, he and I are FRIENDS. Best friends. Being in love is much like having a crush on a movie star; fun while it lasts, but is fleeting at best. Liking someone is what keeps you together.

No matter how well you think you know someone, all that flies out the window when you get married. You are now in this person�s space and they in yours, 24/7, so EXPECT conflicts and discoveries. It�s most definitely a time of �getting used to each other�, because you are learning all the idiosyncrasies that you couldn�t/wouldn�t see while you were dating. You have to sort out your selfishness and learn to share. In time you learn to put it in perspective. Is the world really going to end if he cannot fathom this great invention called a laundry hamper? Is his brain going to melt if you paint the bathroom pink? Marriage is all about compromise and growth. You learn to give, and you give because you both like and love the other person. It takes time, but eventually you both settle into a comfortable rhythm and life flows from there. I guess a good analogy would be your bedroom�you know some things are �supposed� to go in a certain place, but after spending time in your room you find you prefer things to be in a different spot. It takes a little bit of effort but most of it comes together naturally. If you are living in the real world and not the fairy tale �happily ever after� shlock, you�ll be fine. Some people enter marriage with unreal expectations and can�t handle their expulsion from NeverNeverLand into this earthly realm. Just because you�re married doesn�t mean you�re enveloped by the Perfect Cloud. Life does go on.

Hubby and I love each other in spite of and because of each other. He does things that annoy the hell out of me. He does things that I can laugh about later. He does things that make me melt into a big ol� puddle of goo. There are things that we sometimes wish we could change about ourselves or each other, but then we wouldn�t be us. We accept ourselves and each other, foibles and all. Not perfect, but perfectly likeable, able to give each other space yet remain �two against the world�. We made a lot of discoveries during our first year, but they all come down to this. We may fight about petty things, we may not always agree, but overall we REALLY REALLY like and respect each other. The love, therefore, flows steadily along.

Marriage isn't always easy. But if you go into it with eyes wide open, able to give of yourself and receive with grace, it's a wonderful thing.

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