Man-huntin'
2004-09-24, 6:59 p.m.

It is a good thing that I love Hubby so and that we have a good marriage. I am fully aware that I seem to lack the qualifications to ever land another mate, if necessary.
There are women around here who attract no shortage of men. They fall into three distinct categories, the qualifications of which must be met in full:

I. The Mother Load
Requirements: weight in excess of 350lbs; wardrobe of overstretched, faded racing tees and holey cutoff sweatpants; extra-long mullet; moustache; often barefoot
Entourage: 4 or 5 filthy, barefoot, ill-behaved children (each by different fathers); scrawny little leathery-skinned weasel in jeans, boots, and tank top created by ripping sleeves off old t-shirt; weasel is generally a foot shorter than his she-male companion
Education: quit that dumb GED, I ain�t doin� that sheeyut
Ride: Tri-tonal (not counting primer) late 80�s once-upon-a-luxury car, sans hubcaps, windshields optional

II. The Slinky Skank
Requirements: weight well under 90lbs despite copious consumption of chips and beer; obvious absence of derriere and cleavage; wardrobe of size 0 Le*vis and oversize you-know-what tees; somewhat feathered dull shoulder-length hair; dire need for rhinoplasty; rules with an iron fist
Entourage: 6-foot-plus nice looking side of beef in jeans, boots, and muscle shirt, short hair or burgeoning mullet; several cases of N@tural Light for the nightly beer bust; occasionally, one exceedingly whiny child
Education: I done got out of that high school
Ride: Older model 2-door Trans-Cam bondo-mobile

III. The Trophy Ho
Requirements: Semi-decent measurements thanks to boob job ; crack-rider shorts and mini-tees exposing flabby tummy roll; micro-purse; big hair; makeup applied with aid of putty knife; IQ eclipsed by thong size
Entourage: Latest side of beef enticed away from Slinky Skank
Education: Everything I need to know I learned at Ho*oters
Ride: New sporty rice rocket with spoiler and ridiculously small tires, financed by current boyfriend(s)

Any of these elements alone are fine. Their cumulative forces must stir men into a pheremonal frenzy, supernatural powers which few can resist. How else could these trolls have men waiting in line?

Alas, I fail in every category. I am well under 200 lbs, sport far less facial hair than my husband (think ZERO), embrace personal hygiene, drive a nice modest car, and darn if I ain�t edumacated. I do not need a masonry apprenticeship to apply my makeup, and I am aware that I do NOT have six-pack abs and they should not be on public display. Therefore, I wouldn�t have a prayer in the world of attracting a male of the species that isn�t currently incarcerated for life. The ones who could and would appreciate me are either taken or gay.

Hubby gets an extra hug and kiss tonight. He thinks I�m a keeper, and I think I�ll keep him too. Fourteen years and counting, with pleasure. I'm one lucky girl.

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