Bullies: The Other White Meat
2005-02-16, 8:16 a.m.

Son’s teacher was at a training session all day yesterday, and didn’t receive my email until after school. She answered me pronto, NOT happy about the situation, and vowed that this morning Things. Will. Be. Remedied. Tomorrow’s school lunch menu: Chewed Bully Behinds, with a side dish of You’ll Never See Recess Again. Have I mentioned before how much I like the schools around here?

I made it through Monday’s bloodletting, even though the phlebotomist used a length of PVC piping and a chainsaw to shred a path to my vein. Hubby went along with me for the first time ever, under the “being supportive” guise, but in truth it was to just have a good laugh at my expense. In subconscious retaliation I did my best to crush his hand to a bloody pulp. Didn’t work. But MY GOD it hurt this time when she drew blood. It’s never ever been that painful.

Tuesday was the actual doctor’s visit, with his typical chiding ratcheted up to clucking. Looks like he’s not going to let me get away with anything. I have orders to drop at least 10 lbs by my next visit (several months away), begin a regular, repeat, REGULAR exercise program, and refrain from eating “white foods” like potatoes, bread, etc. I’ve slipped off the low carb track recently and can feel it, as I am more sluggish and my jeans aren’t as loose. The next visit will also entail a glucose check, because I exhibit signs of impending diabetes. He is concerned that within two years I could become a full-blown diabetic. So much for my dreams of chocolatey glory. There was some good news: my cholesterol is down nearly 100 points! Down 100, 100 more to go. Now it’s 235, far below what it usually runs, so the meds are working. I’m somewhat tolerating it—only minimal arm pain—so this summer we will probably try raising the dosage and see how it goes. The meds simply MUST work, because my cholesterol skyrockets on a low-cholesterol diet. If I don’t eat it, my body manufactures it harder than ever.

If I am to avoid “white foods”, then what about cauliflower? Tofu? Bean sprouts? Quandaries, quandaries.

So, now it’s time to embark upon my new quest: See Sally Shrink. I must morph from a sedentary schlump to a svelte snazz. This isn’t going to be easy. Oh sure, exercise, get up and move that body. Easier said than done. I haven’t done any rigorous exercise in years, after being twice sidelined with a spontaneous pneumothorax. That’s a collapsed left lung with no apparent cause, for you medical ignoramuses out there. Not being able to breathe puts a big damper on physical activity, and the three excruciating (I’d-rather-be-in-labor-just-kill-me-now kind of excruciating) chest tubes and needles inserted sans anesthesia is what molded me into a needle weenie. You can now imagine just how thrilled I am at having to join the realm of the action figures. Rah.

Off to eat some broccoli and cauliflower for breakfast. Wait, that’s a white food…

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