Thought We Weren't In Kansas, Toto
2005-05-22, 4:09 p.m.

Will the carpool for sullen adolescents please pick up my daughter? Her curfew is age 18 or when she stops sulking, whichever comes first.

I would be remiss in my duties if I did not tell you all of this past Friday�s weather. This was spotted Friday afternoon over the airport

at which time the good citizens of Blount county collectively wet themselves. Some weather big shot declared that the funnel cloud was no threat, causing the good citizens to poke their heads out of their homes like whack-a-moles, look skyward, and wet themselves again.
(Note to Oklahomans, denizens of Kansas, and all other residents of Tornado Alley:
You choose to live in this. You are off your corn-fed rockers.)
Naturally, the kids and I were out grocery shopping in all this, happily oblivious to the impending doom; we wandered the aisles while the weather was reasonably clear and waited to checkout until Noah�s Deluge, Part II. The kids sat in the car and whined dryly while I threw drowned groceries in the trunk and we drove home to

Yes, this is our front yard, as viewed from our porch. We got a tad of rain. In less than an hour, it was gone. Love those Smoky Mountain flash floods.

In a minor miracle, no idiot tourists were killed Friday afternoon. Typically when there�s heavy rain and bloated streams blasting at mach speed over huge boulders, someone from the Northeast will decide it�s the perfect setting for a middle-of-the-river photo op, be swept away by the current, and find themselves surprisingly dead. They also run over each other with mopeds, but that�s only in clear weather.

Hubby is almost done installing the DSL wall outlets. All he has to do is replace the baseboards, vacuum 20 lbs of sheetrock dust, get a second job to pay for the 12 miles of wire and connectors, and he�s done. I was playing around online when, without warning, he had to disconnect the computer for a few seconds. I told him that somewhere there is a statute for that under �spousal abuse� and that I would find it. Unplugging Sally midstream is not a good thing to do.

Son is on his steady weekend diet of video games and caffeinated beverages, but he is about to be slammed headlong into the world of organic foods and Other Things That Are Good For You. I�m going to replace a few of his standards with the gluten-free variety and pray that he chokes them down. There are many studies linking autism to gluten and/or dairy intolerance, and as those two substances comprise 99.99999% of Son�s diet, hopefully making some alterations will give desirable results. As for the changes themselves, there are only three possible responses he can have: He will eat them, he will not and starve loudly, or he will not and starve quietly. I am hoping for the first. Cross your fingers and duck the flying wheatless waffles.

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Postscripts:

Son�s first gluten-free adventure was a success. I made him mac and cheese which adhered to my kitchen abilities�microwaveable�but I would like to know what hamster-wheel powered clunker the maker used to calibrate the timing. After 4 minutes that sucker was boiling, at their recommended 7 minutes it would have been flammable.

A question for Kansas residents: Are you �Kansans�? Because that sounds like some form of delicate oriental poetry. Kansasians? Or maybe Kansavorkians, because to live under the constant flat black clouds o�doom you have GOT to have a death wish. Maybe all the beef and sunflowers make up for running for the cellar every few days. Worth a shot, I do love me some steak. As for my home state, pegging us is generally easy: Rednecks. Unless you are from Chahleston, then you shall be addressed as Your Royal Highnesses, or you�re from Hil*ton Head, in which case you are called �tourists�, because no one is actually from Hil*ton Head.

And please, direct some condolences to GroovyGuru, because this morning the Skanky Drug-Whoring Neighbor From Hell moved back into her abhorrence�I mean, home. This is the woman who is a certified Floridian fugitive (Florida being allergic to extraditing absconder/fugitives); a woman who is receiving Social Insecurity benefits under an assumed name; a woman who has numerous DUIs; a woman who brings home various recent parolees and tells them the Guru�s nighttime work schedule, perfect for their burgling pleasure (except for their alarm system and Mrs. Guru�s heavy artillery); and an astonishing piece of filth who fled from her home after using every square inch of it for weeks as a toilet. Seriously. No, I�m not exaggerating, she crapped all through the interior of her home on every surface possible. Guess the olfactory nerves have been severed, because she no longer has a problem rummaging through human waste to carry on with her daily neighborhood harassment. Her mother bought the cute little house for her in the cute little neighborhood long after the Gurus moved in, and so far nothing short of a Divine Edict has served to boot her out. She is a menace and a danger and makes one pine for a good old fashioned mob hit.

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