H-E-Double Hockey Sticks
2006-02-09, 10:03 p.m.

Son is home with a bad cold, and since he�s a big sharing boy, I have it too. We�re giving that Zi-yiyi-cam stuff a go and it seems to be working. Scrubbing every touchable surface in the house with Clorox wipes every ten minutes and marinating our hands in sanitizer hasn�t hurt, either.

Day before yesterday a good friend calls me from work and asks if I have jumper cables. Her eldest son needed to get the next oldest from school, but was stuck at home with a dead battery. No problem. So I head over, her son and I both pop our hoods and he attaches the cables on his end, while I stand there holding my end and realize that there is somewhat of a problem.

No battery. My car has no battery.

So I�m slowly scanning across every square inch of the engine, trying to be nonchalant and wondering how many seconds I have left of passing myself off as cool and confident before this kid catches on that I cannot find my car�s battery and am, certifiably, the world�s biggest tard.

He gets curious, glances under my hood, then sidles over and starts looking harder. He can�t find the battery either. Now I�m feeling not so much like a tard and more like WHERE THE HELL IS MY BATTERY? He lifts a small plastic thingy and finds a positive terminal, but still no battery. Time for the last resort: the owner�s manual. In section S-5, under �Jump Starts�, it informs us that the battery...

Ready for this?

Is under the left rear passenger seat.

THE HELL?

We get his car started, I go home and call Hubby. Did you know that the car battery is UNDER THE REAR PASSENGER SEAT?

�Of course.�

WHY DIDN�T YOU TELL ME?

�You never asked.�

As if I sit around all day thinking perhaps today I should inquire of my husband if the battery in my car is, in fact, in the engine compartment, or is it located elsewhere in the car? Or am I the only wife who doesn�t spontaneously ponder these things?

Tonight I am pondering something else, and it�s not very Christian of me, either.

My friend with 2 kids and multiple sclerosis who was in the car accident last week and her car was totalled? Well, she has a very small amount of money for another car, seeing as how she has to use the rest of her money for frivolities like food and rent and medicine, so through a little networking a car was found. A friend of a friend of a friend thing, this guy Ira who works at a car lot had just gone to the auto auction, bought a decent little car for $300, heard her situation, had his mechanic make sure it�s ok, and relayed the message that my friend could buy it for the $300 he paid for it. She was over the moon, and has played phone tag all week trying to reach Ira to make arrangements to go see it and get it. Except tonight, when she finally got hold of him, Ira told her that he�s looked at the car the last few days and changed his mind, and he just can�t let it go for any less than $2500.

Ira, you just bought your one way ticket to Hell, and there�s half a town ready for your bon voyage party. Hope you like it toasty, bud.

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