Sally's Life, The Director's Cut
2005-06-08, 12:00 p.m.

Setting: Yesterday afternoon, living room. Characters: Mother and 12-year-old daughter.
Action: Preparing to depart for the Singular store.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, ROLL �EM!

Daughter: �Can I have a cell phone?�
Mother: �No.�
Daughter: �I was the ONLY KID at the intermediate school without a cell phone and it was
soooooo embarrassing and I really need one.�
Mother: �Name them. All your friends who have cell phones.�
Daughter: *pause* �Well there�s this boy on my bus and I don�t know his name but��
Mother: *recites litany of at least 20 pathetic cell-phone-deprived children from school and neighborhood*
Daughter: *Angst roils from underneath her feet in a black choking fog*

ENTER Angstus von Angst, Pouting and Whining (the Desperation Twins), and all the other
roadies on the Adolescent Tour. Somehow we all fit into one car and drive across town.

Setting: Singular store. Characters: Mother; Daughter buried in black cloud of budding teenage
doom; hyperactive Son jogging around the displays while humming P0kemon music; handful of
recent college grad baby faced Singular employees.

Daughter: �Can I have a cell phone?�
Mother: �No.�
REPEAT dialogue sequence 40 times, during which Mother purchases two nifty new cell phones
and upgrades service.
Daughter: �WHY can�t I have a cell phone?�
Mother: �Because you�re twelve. And there is no need for a twelve-year-old with a vigilant stay-at-home mother to carry a cell phone. (Not to mention she�d lose it on Day Three.) You will get one when you start driving.�
Singular guy: �Yeah, like that�s kinda young.� *other employees bob heads in unison, because they are getting a huge chunk of my money and they do not want to piss me off*
Daughter: *exudes venom from every pore* (How does she DO that?)

EXIT Singular store with incredibly cool $19.99 flip phones with phasers, dilithium crystals,
tricorders, the Force, and the ability to download the Peter Gunn theme ringtone.

ENTER T@rget.

Setting: Any aisle, any department. Characters: Glowering Daughter; fed-up-to-HERE Mother;
Son behaving long enough to see how badly his sister will get in trouble

Daughter: *pulsating with glowery goodness*
Mother: �What�s the deal THIS time?�
Daughter: �It�s not the cell phone. It�s something else. But not here, I. Will. Talk. To. You. Later.�
Mother: (Oh we�re on, sister.) �Out with it.� *Repeat 11 times in increasingly menacing tone*
Daughter: �You always treat me like a child, and now you�ve got other people doing it too like back there in the Singular store! I am TWELVE YEARS OLD!�
Mother: �Last time I heard, 12-year-olds ARE children.�

Pout, sulk, pout, sulk, pout, sulk, pout, sul�TOY AISLE. No, wait, we�re too good for that now.
Son tries to load buggy with light sabers #14, 15, and 16.

Daughter: *hisses* �I am NOT going to look at toys! I�m too old for that!� *crouches by P0kemon cards like a cornered opossum*
Mother: �You don�t have to. The remote control planes are on the aisle next to you. Watch your brother while he looks at them.�
Daughter: *develops amazing immediate obedience*

Setting: Shampoo aisle. Characters: Children loading buggy with game guides and stuffed
animals; obviously the original children have been kidnapped and cloned because these artificial
versions are acquiescent and cheerful; Mother saying prayer of thanks to the Stepford powers-
that-be.

***************************************

Setting: Home, parents in kitchen, children in living room. Characters: Parents; Daughter asking
for yet another burger while parked on couch in front of cartoons; Son flailing about somewhere.

Father stands behind mother in the kitchen, makes futile effort to get Daughter to eat a salad
instead of hamburger #3 or HoHo #27, or to get up off the couch and MOVE AROUND.
Gives typical fatherly pep talk:

�Look at me! Do you want to end up like me? You need to eat something healthy! You need to
exercise just like I need to! You can�t sit around watching tv and eating junk all day.
DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE YOUR MOTHER?�

*palpable silence*

Daughter�s face lights up like the Vegas strip. If you can�t have a cell phone, witnessing your
Father�s execution ranks a close second.

last - next