Gadget Guru Granny
2004-08-17, 9:00 a.m.

I have always known my parents were not technological geniuses. Perfectly intelligent and capable, they were nonetheless perpetually befuddled by electronic widgets, to the point of calling me long distance to give them instructions on how to set the blinking clocks on the VCRs. My children tutored their grandparents in the fine art of operating the universal remote, time and time again. After Daddy died last year, Mama stepped right up to the challenges presented by all things with a microchip and has handled it well, so I thought.

Until last week.

I provided my parents with a cell phone two years ago, the most uncomplicated model available at the time, with a brief instruction of the basics (OFF and ON) and a generous plan. All went well, except occasionally my mother would inadvertently speed dial me after jamming the phone down in her purse, leaving me screaming into her wallet to PAY ATTENTION AND SHUT THE THING OFF to no avail.

I had to downgrade the plan not long ago, to harness our budget and also save face with the tittering customer service reps. I had sprung for a plan which included 600 anytime minutes and 5000 night/weekend ones, so my mother would never be short on coverage. Her average monthly usage? 21 minutes. The background guffaws nearly drowned out the rep when I inquired. Swapping her over to a shared family plan was done with absolutely no hassle. And I'm glad I gave the Cingular cubicle jockeys their daily snicker.

So now for the doozy Mama laid on me last week. Several of her cronies have become dangerously exciteable about the new camera phones. These ladies, with their current cell phone know-how, make my mother look like the local Technological Swami, but they sucked her into their enthusiasm. Mama had just one burning question. If those ladies got phones with the camera-thingies on them and hers doesn't, then how can she keep them from seeing her when she doesn't want to be seen?

I'm not kidding.

So I posed a question right back. When you're sitting in the den watching "Days Of Our Lives", do the actors on the screen see you watching them do the show?

She wasn't sure.

*palms face*

We had a brief lesson on how video communication is a two-way street, and how SHE would have to have a camera phone in addition to her friends, properly set to both send and receive images, and how she would still maintain control.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (Said with the air of I'm-still-not-sure-about-this)

She hasn't said much about the camera phone since, but I have noticed she is rarely watching "Days Of Our Lives". Probably because she hasn't had her hair done this week and doesn't want to be seen in her den by the actors not looking her best.

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