Drive THIS
2004-08-23, 12:23 p.m.

There are Soccer Moms, and the newest herd, Safety Moms (as if the rest of us care nothing about keeping our kids safe, whatEVER). I've decided I fit in a totally different category, courtesy of Monday morning traffic: Snarly Moms.

Smallville isn't all that small these days. After being ranked one of the Top Ten places in the nation to live, the consequential swell of immigrants have turned our little hamlet into Traffic Hell. Roads initially designed to carry 5,000 cars and 2 or 3 tractors per day, now carry 15,000 cars and 2 or 3 tractors instead. That makes for great adventures when hauling young'uns to school.

We left this morning with what I believed to be ample time to drop off Daughter so she could get to her locker at 7:30 and homeroom by 7:40. We arrived at school before 7:30am. By the time we crept up to the school front, it was 7:38. Why? Because every other parent in town timed their arrival to coincide with ours, leaving me #573 in line to drop off my kid.

Next, it was time to head for Son's school, about 3 miles across town. Not just any 3 miles, but a rain-soaked gauntlet of traffic lights, cruising tourists, and big trucks that really should have taken alternate routes. The biggest delay was the ubiquitous left-hand turn signal, which lets 1 1/2 cars go through before turning red. Again, we were waaaaaaaaaay down the line to make the left hand turn. Our three-mile drive took nearly 20 minutes and every bit of my patience and reserve. It's no wonder Son has an extensive and unwelcome vocabulary for his age. He rides with me.

Note that all this was BEFORE coffee. Not a good thing.

After dropping off Son, I decided I might as well make a Wal-Mart run for cleaning supplies. At 8:00am, my chances of running into someone I know were slim, right? WRONG. Pushing my buggy through a Monday-morning-coffee-deprived haze, looking quite unfabulous and ready to kill, I run first thing into Perky Morning Mom. She is smartly dressed, makeup and hair nice, yadda yadda. Good thing she's a great person or I would have had to kill her then and there. Guess I looked rougher than I thought, because her first words after "Hello" were "Are you okay?" Gads.

No, I'm not okay. It's before noon on Monday. I don't function before noon. And I CERTAINLY don't function before coffee.

It's now 12:40pm, I'm on my 4th cup of coffee, and the snarl is just beginning to unfurl. Good morning, world. Bite me.

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