It Was In The Script
2004-09-18, 9:38 a.m.

Oh, this is a good one. Gotta share.

TORONTO (AP) - Dane Squires was late for his own funeral. At least it seemed that way after people gathered Thursday at a Toronto funeral home to mourn the retired welder from Newfoundland whom they believed had been hit by a train.

Relatives of Squires were watching the casket being loaded into a hearse when his daughter Trina was told she had an important phone call.

Her father was on the other end.

"She totally, totally lost it," Squires' brother Gilbert said.

"She said, 'There's a ghost talking to me on the phone. Please somebody try to make sense out of this because I'm losing my mind.'"

Squires was initially identified as the man who was hit by a commuter train last Friday night. The body was badly mutilated in the accident but still fit Squires' description, police said. Authorities haven't yet identified the victim.

"He went to my sister's house and whoever answered the door fainted," said Gilbert Squires, noting his brother didn't become aware of the confusion until he read his own obituary in the newspaper.

Squire's sister identified the dead man as her brother after viewing the body at the coroner's office this week, police said.

Haven't we seen this on a sitcom or two? Or three? Life imitates art, they say. Some people just have more of a flair for the dramatic than others, but boy howdy, this guy's really got it down pat. I'm glad for the family, but this one will definitely make in on television somehow.

Which brings me to a question: how, exactly, do those movies-of-the-week about the latest "newsworthy sensation" make it on the air so DANG quickly? Shocking crime/other dramatic escapade + 1 week= slick studio production. My word, they must swarm like termites to get scripts written, sets built, actors hired and rehearsed, and scenes shot in less time than it takes me to get the basic housework done. I've wondered if the network execs are in cahoots, receiving several months' advance warning from the perps so that the basic preps can be out of the way.

Heavy Breathing Anonymous Caller: "Hello, Studio Executive, I'm going to dispose of my ___________ (spouse, boss, whatever) in a singularly dramatic fashion, which should spawn an equally singularly dramatic,long-winded investigation that will receive unneccessary nationwide news coverage."

Studio Exec: (drooling) "I shall provide you with overpriced big dawg lawyers in exchange for all story rights."

HBAC: "Yessssssss. As I have planned. I shall send my assistant with a memo of the anticipated outcome. And I would like (Semi Big Shot Actor/Actress) to play me."

SE: (floating in saliva pool) "No problem. And you've come to the right network. Best of luck to ya."

HBAC: (sinister hiss) "Thhaaaaank yooooou."

I can't think of any other way they churn out those movies with such speed and intensity.

My other beef: The actors/actresses portraying the criminals are members of the Beautiful Sect. They levitate across the sets suspended by beautiful vibes, eat beautiful food, wear beautiful clothes, have beautiful onscreen families, play with their beautiful pets, slumber in their beautiful beds in their grand beautiful homes. Then you see grainy newspaper photos of the REAL perpetrators, and with few exceptions, the first word that comes to your mind is "troglodyte". You cannot fathom that this idiot made it out of their slime-encrusted cave, let alone whack someone. If the networks have such great advance notice, they could at least spring for extreme criminal makeovers as part of the deal.

I'm off to check the tv guide. The Apparating Toronto Train guy should be on soon.

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