The Toughest Job You'll Ever Love
2004-09-17, 12:54 p.m.

Excerpts from a note by bonnylisbon, the girl with the inquiring mind and exquisite musical taste:

Is motherhood all it's wrapped up to be? Don't you ever just want to be alone, away? Don't kids just need need need and you've gotta give give give, doesn't that ever feel so... I don't know, exhausting? Do you ever worry about your kids forgetting about you, as a person, as oppossed to you, as a mom? Sometimes I catch myself forgetting that my parents are people, not just my parents. That's not their soul job, you know? How awful that I sometimes forget they feel down, or depressed, or stressed, I sometimes forget about their life excluding myself and my brothers. They have jobs, friends. I feel like I've known complete strangers for 20 years? You know? Is that a concern of yours?

Please fasten all safety restraints and remain seated at all times, for motherhood is one very wild and satisfying ride.

Have you ever bought a gift for someone and you couldn�t wait to give it to them? You didn�t expect or want anything in return�at that moment, the greatest pleasure in your life was placing that gift in the recipient�s hands, watching him or her open it with anticipation, soaking yourself in the excitement of their surprise. Well, that�s motherhood.

When you become a mother, something changes in your molecular structure. No, not just your bra size or hip measurements, but some rearranging of your being that brings to life parts of yourself that were dormant until that moment. You discover attributes you never dreamed of, a sense of empowerment and wonder and confidence all tempered with a healthy dose of fear. You also experience love, real love, the cosmic karma that you and this little being are forever entwined regardless of environment or happenstance. That tiny creature is composed of half of your genetic makeup, and for the rest of eternity there will be pieces of you that endure. You are immortal.

Then, you return to Earth and all the stuff begins to settle in and settle down. You find yourself mesmerized by the power your child seems to have over you. In an instant you have been able to fully place this burgeoning life ahead of yours. You make it through the basics�the feedings, the sleep deprivation, the rapid development of organizational skills. You find that you are in practice a contortionist, able to open doors with your rear end and retrieve small objects with your toes. Showers morph from necessity to luxury. You stop sweating the small stuff and find new fun and beauty in the itsy-bitsiest of places. As each stage of childhood has its own challenges, you discover in hindsight that, at each critical moment, you somehow possessed the innate abilities to deal with it. There�s little thought, you just do it. Later in life you reflect and have a Wow Moment, that you were able to accomplish so much and you doubt you could do it now. Guess what? You could, if you needed to. Your gifts and abilities materialize as needed, then hibernate until the need arises once more.

Yes, kids need, need, need. Most of the time, you have the strength to give, give, give. Not only that, but you love, love, love doing it. The first time the realization hits you will probably be in a clothing store. You may be wearing little more than paint rags, and head to the mall for some new duds, but your department will have no appeal. You will by instinct head to the children�s department and go ape. You take pleasure in denying yourself in order to put your child on a pedestal. Your kid�s glory is your glory, and you love it.

No mother denies herself everything. Moms are people, too, and need affirmation and rejuvenation. Heck, moms just wanna have fun. You learn the balance by trial and error, how to be good to yourself so that you can be good to your family. If it means you send the kids to bed early so you can watch your tv show with blissful uninterruption, then do it. They won�t be scarred for life. You don�t have to share your box of chocolates, you don�t have to save the last slice of pizza, you don�t have to sit home every Friday night. There is a time and a place for everything, including mothers. Take care of yourself and you will be a better person and a better mom.

Some dreams get put on hold, some responsibilities have to be upheld, and some things simply gotta give. It�s not always how you�d like it. But isn�t life, with or without children, about choices? Don�t we all have responsibilities in one form or another? It�s a trade, a balance, and children are both a variable and a constant in the life of a parent. Just like anything else that comes your way, you deal. And generally, the rewards are great.

You are not guaranteed a perfect life. You are not guaranteed perfect children. You could do everything to the best of your ability and it doesn�t turn out like your dreams. That�s ok. We have all been given the gift of free will. As parents, we impart our wisdom to our children while we nurture and protect them, and eventually release them with tears and prayers for happiness and success. There is a part of every parent who cries out to wrap the kid in an eternal protective bubble, to make the world a perfect place and their life a perfect life. That cannot be. So, you cross your fingers that you�ve done a decent job, and let them continue their journey themselves. Their pain is your pain, their joy is your joy, but slowly their life becomes their life and yours twists ever-so-slightly back into yours. It�s never fully severed, just viewed from a different angle from that time on.

Becoming a mother helps you to discover who you truly are. You are forced into suddenly pinning down your values and beliefs and morals and dreams and wishes and likes and dislikes, distilled into a child-palatable form. It�s just as fascinating to discover things about yourself, as it is to discover things about your child. Right along with the first smile and the first kindergarten conference, is the self-awareness you lacked in your child-free days. The children grow, and so do you.

Children are hedonistic. It is not their job to �know� their parents as functional independent beings, capable of rational thought and introspection. It is a child�s job to learn and to grow, therefore making some self-centeredness a necessary evil. It is all relative to the stage in the child�s development, however. A baby does not consider the 2am ear-splitting wail to be an intrusion on the parent�s sleep�he simply wants to be fed, NOW. A first grader observes rules and reactions and shapes his behavior accordingly, so that he can do the right thing. An adolescent makes note of the parental wishes in order to thwart those wishes on a regular basis, as the first step in severing the bonds and being able to function as an independent rational human being. As a child grows and matures, he incorporates pieces of the parents and pieces of the big wide world, filters them, and blends them into his own uniqueness. At the right age and the right time, he is able to notice for the first time his parents as people, understand them if not agree with them, and then go off on his own. Parents don�t expect that sort of discovery from children, as they aren�t developmentally ready for that until they�re nearly grown. It�s the way it should be.

Mothers make mistakes. We say the wrong things, punish them for things it turns out they didn�t do, send them to school without breakfast. I shoved my daughter�s tiny baby feet into shoes that were still stuffed with tissue. My cousin pinned the diaper directly to her newborn son. Both kids survived relatively unscathed. Mothers can admit their mistakes, apologize, and turn them into learning experiences for both parent and child. Don�t beat yourself up over it, just get a grip and move on.

I have dreams and plans and aspirations beyond my children. Some have been temporarily postponed, while some have wafted into the realm of unattainable. Life is a state of flux, so I don�t know what the future will hold. In the end it�s up to me. I choose how much of myself I hold back and how much I give to my children, and no one does exactly the same thing. I am able to be a full-time mother and feel worthwhile, but another woman may not be whole without being a rocket scientist. It�s different for every person and there is no right or wrong, as long as your children�s basic needs are met and there is no abuse involved. You set your own ideals and strive for them in your own way, and if you�re true to yourself, everybody wins.

Motherhood for me is summed up at Christmastime. Hubby and I stay up late into the night, perfecting the magic that is Santa Claus. The gifts are displayed *just so*, the stockings are filled, the cookies and milk have obvious signs of being tasted. On Christmas morning the children awake, breathless with excitement, pad in bare feet into the living room to witness the spectacle in front of the twinkling tree and erupt into squeals of pure delight. They assault us from the pretension of sleep, imaginations in full throttle of how the fat guy got everything down the chimney. But, after a very short while, a glowing child pulls a scrappily-wrapped gift from under the tree and plops it on my lap. They revel in the anticipation, soaking themselves in the excitement of surprise, not expecting or wanting anything in return�

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