December Already
2005-12-09, 3:59 p.m.

Starting after Thanksgiving, days don�t simply begin and end; they careen into one another, spinning wildly, and chores that were easy and quick tasks in warm weather are now nearly insurmountable. Laundry that could be finished in a day or two now takes two weeks. Our home falls into squalor in a matter of hours. Or maybe, I�ve been having too much fun Christmas shopping to bother to do the dang housework. Whatever.

So far, so good. It�s so very nice to not have a Holiday Season That Sucks this year. When crap happens and you put it all in perspective, you realize that there�s always somebody out there that has it worse than you, which makes me think that if you follow that chain all the way down, it must REALLY suck to be the guy on the bottom. Aside from that, whenever something bad happens and you have to deal with it, remember that it�s also an opportunity. Because you have experienced X, you have knowledge and abilities that many others don�t, and therefore you are in a unique position to help others who are also experiencing X, or to take steps to make sure that X doesn�t have to happen to anybody else. You are now a tour guide in that tiny little segment of life, and because of that, you might be the answer to someone�s prayer. Bad things are going to happen; how you use them is what makes the difference.

Nice, normal Christmas season here, unlike the last two. Nobody�s died, nobody�s smashed my car, money�s not desperately short. Daughter is being a typical greedy little cuss (�Dear Santa, I want an iPod AND a Nintendo DS AND a remote control airplane with a digital spy camera AND...�). Hubby and Son are neck-and-neck in a �Let�s see who can behave less maturely regarding schoolwork� contest (Son said �Dammit!� to his teacher in response to an assignment, Hubby had trouble working a math problem and whacked a cup of coffee across our bedroom in frustration). In anticipation of her traditional Christmas Eve drop-in, Mama has saved four months� of housework for me to do in a day and a half. Good times, good times. With all the work involved in holiday preparation, and all the potential stress, why am I so relaxed? What�s my secret (other than the no dying/no smashing/no starving thing)?

One word:

EBAY.

When your children�s hearts� desire, top of their Santa list, are items that are sold out/obscure/available only in Europe, you can bet your bippy that you�ll find them on eBay. I did. Christmas is saved.

The other occasion for much rejoicing? Almost having to run nekkid. All those songs about thankfulness and joy are because Maul-Mart had decent shirts that fit me, so y�all aren�t subjected to me doing the streak. Hubby and I were getting ready for church on Sunday. I put on one winter outfit, nice top with loose-fitting slacks. Stepped out of the closet, and Hubby began singing �U Can�t Touch This�. Hammer time! I was ready to bust a move in some big ol� genie drawers. So much for that outfit.

Tried on another. Hubby said I looked like a little girl playing dress up.

Tried on another. Same result.

I tried on all my winter clothes, and every single item was two sizes too big.

I looked at Hubby and wailed that I had nothing to wear. I put my head on his shoulder and sobbed. He thought I was faking it until he felt the snot soaking through his shirt. Then the bewilderment set in. �I thought losing weight was supposed to be a happy thing?�

It is. That�s why I cried. Men just don�t get it.

I put on a sweatshirt two sizes too big and a pair of jeans that still fit ok and bought myself a mess of cheap shirts at Maul Mart. Size large. Folded up all the 2X�s and put them away, but not before sensible and thoughtful Hubby told me not to get rid of them, in case I gain everything back and need them again one day.

I was in too good a mood to slaughter him. Maybe later.

�Cause no matter what, it�s Christmastime. Everything will be O.K.

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