Queen Victoria and the sheep
2006-06-08, 2:07 p.m.

I have a funky type of migraine called Basilar Artery Migraine, and let me specify that �migraine� does not mean �headache�. Mine about 80% of the time do not come with the blasting head pain, but instead with a bucketful of stroke-like symptoms such as loss of speech and motor control that can last from half a minute to half an hour and go in phases from once a day to several times a day over the course of a week. I may get one, once, and not have another for months, or I may have them in waves for weeks upon end. There is no set pattern. The greatest trigger of mine is a drop in barometric pressure...aka thunderstorms. Other culprits are bright lights, heat, and certain small visual patterns like gingham or stripes. The initial trigger was a severe allergic reaction to a medication given 14 years ago after a miscarriage. The original neurologist told me to take a combination of advil and tylenol for the debilitating headaches and ride out the rest, which has served it�s purpose because the vast majority of the doctors I�ve seen over the years have either regarded me as a hypochondriac, been completely clueless (�Maybe it�s a hot flash...�), or simply not bothered to examine me (�You have a migraine. Go home and take an Advil.�). I finally found a family physician who said I wasn�t crazy and ran tests and found the results were normal and said keep doing what I was doing as long as it was working for me. I hide at home whenever I feel one approaching. Not to brag, but I�m quite good at it. Very...and I mean very... few people have seen me in the midst of a full-blown migraine. If my right hand won�t function, I use my left. If I can�t speak, I don�t hang around people so there are no opportunities for conversation. If my foot drags, I go sit down. If I feel like I�m going to pass out, I go in the back and shut the door and lie down fast so I don�t freak anybody out. Not even my hubby sees 95% of it.

A couple of years ago I began seeing a chiropractor, and it has helped tremendously. I still have episodes, but not nearly as often nor as severe. Still, a new symptom popped up month before last (drooping right eyelid), plus I got caught out in Maul Mart for the first time when one came on too quickly for me to get home and hibernate, so I decided that after long last it was time to see a neurologist again. If nothing else, I got vindication. �Complicated migraine.� He is pleased with the chiropractor and considers that physical therapy. There are a few dozen pharmaceutical cocktails that are used as preventatives, such as beta blockers and calcium channel blockers, for which I do not qualify because they lower blood pressure and mine is already too low. 90/50, anyone? So, he�s put me on an anti-seizure medication, Topamax, which is supposed to be most excellent.

It is also known as Stupamax and Dopamax, because if they put you on the wrong dosage, it makes you dumber than a box of rocks.

You have to wean up to a certain dosage on this stuff. I am currently at half and doing fairly well and am staying put for the next couple of weeks. Why? Because next Tuesday we are leaving for South Carolina, and the following Saturday is my 20th high school reunion. And I had enough trouble all those years ago (didn�t we all), and I still have enough extra tonnage about which to be self-conscious, and there are a few hundred thousand inconsequential vapid and shallow old high school memories to dredge up and hoist upon my shoulders as though I am 17 again and any of it matters in my life. Like I want to be blondetarded as well.

Blondetarded? I should have taken this stuff 20 years ago. Maybe I would have fit in.

(Nah. I don�t do sheeple.)

Another side effect of Topamax is irritability. Not so much bite-your-head-off PMS bitch...this is the juicy And-Then-There�s-Maude kind, the stuff that doesn�t suffer fools lightly. No holding back, call a spade a spade, tell it like it is.

Maybe I�d better not go to that reunion.

(Just kidding. I went my own direction, but I did like them.)

Still another side effect of Topamax, which has been sort of enjoyable really, has been the temporal lobe dukefest. On one side is my typical rather inhibited sensible self. The other side tuned in, turned on, and is working on the other half to drop out. I sit back to see which side wins. So far, sensible is ahead by a mile or three. Story of my life. I�m not much fun at parties. I can�t even live better through chemistry.
And speaking of inhibited...

Hubby and GroovyGuru have been doing some mighty fine work on the treehouse and are almost done with the fire pit. Somehow in passing, yesterday morning Hubby let it slip that in wiring the treehouse, he did so by disconnecting the outlets on our sunporch. He was then surprised that I was not happy at not being able to turn on the lamps or fountain out there, and asked if I wanted him to reconnect the electricity.

That man of mine has a brilliant IQ, but sometimes I wonder where it scurries off to play.

He had to work until 6pm but GroovyGuru was off and came over early. Mrs. Guru and the boys were still out of state visiting her folks. Hubby said to save time we could go get 100 feet of wiring so they could start work as soon as he got home. Before going to the checkout, I called him to see if there was anything else he needed. Hubby said he needed wiring lubricant to pull the wire through the walls. But, to save money, why didn�t we go to the drugstore and buy a big bulk-size tube of K-Y Jelly instead? So there I am, Miss Inhibited, trying to explain on a cell phone in the middle of an aisle of Manly Man Store Central, why I will not go out in public with a man who is not my husband and buy a brothel-sized tube of K-Y Jelly just to save him 45 cents.

GroovyGuru was no help. He said that we march through the drugstore with a case of it.

Maybe I should go ahead and increase the dose. I might have a lot more fun, but I also might be too stupid to know I�m having it. Decisions, decisions.

last - next