Not Joining This Navy
2004-08-22, 3:10 p.m.

Although being a stay-at-home mom is a genuine privilege, it does have the occasional drawback. One of the biggies is wardrobe atrophy. Hubby has the nice clothes for work, and Children have every cute/funky/overpriced bit of fiber produced today. My dress consists of jeans that should have been retired three years ago and whatever clean t-shirts that hang on Hubby's side of the closet. My collection of Harry Potter tees have been tearfully relegated to the Jammies Department, causing a serious vacancy in my apparel, and thus necessitating the pilfering.

Last Thursday I had to venture out of Smallville into Reallybigville to get a specific viola book for Daughter. Afterwards, having a couple of hours left to kill, I got a wild hair and headed to Old Navy in search of all things wearable.

Most stores do not carry anything in colors that look remotely decent on me. Instead, I'm typically faced with the Pastel Plague or, worse yet, lace and spaghetti straps. If I'm going to pay money for clothing, I have the odd opinion that it should contain FABRIC. What a shock it was that Old Navy was overrun with the Sally-befitting colors of browns, burnt oranges, and turquoise. Nirvana! I armed myself with a buggyload of tops n britches and headed for the dressing room. Things went downhill from there.

The big style seems to be tops that Cross Your Heart and tie underneath, booby-buoying garments that enhance your natural gifts. WRONG. Those are actually pockets for unendowed stick women to stuff with Kleenex, while those of us who are naturally gifted try in vain to squash in our melons. I ended up with the top part just under my chin and the waist ties across my chest.

Then, The Jeans. Are there any manufactured today that are not low-waisted? The world is no more ready for my shiny white arse than I am for theirs, which is unfortunately displayed daily. I do NOT appreciate being surrounded by sideways booty grins peeking out from everyone else's backside, and no doubt they would not be thrilled with mine. The jeans fell into the category of "Just Because They Make It In Your Size, Doesn't Mean You Should Wear It." A great portion of the populace should take note.

There was one sweater that was perfect, except it was see-through and needed the oh-so-soft cami underneath. No problem, right? Big problem. Spaghetti straps. Amply-endowed girls like myself cannot go braless like our twiggy compatriates. So why do I want to display my industrial-sized bra straps underneath a sheer sweater? Can they not make a layering top that has coverage? Do I have to practically scream "I AM WEARING A BEIGE BOULDER HOLDER TODAY" in order to enjoy this little sweater ensemble?

*grumble*

I left Old Navy with, what else? A cute new shirt for Daughter.

It's time to do laundry. Hubby is out of t-shirts and I'll have to run nekkid.

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